The Friendship Project

I'm on a full-time mission to find my ride-or-dies

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

I’m at the beginning of my Open Nest Era. My youngest just graduated high school this past May and moved into his dorm just a few weeks ago. It still blows my mind, even though I've known this day was coming for 18 years.

In anticipation of this upcoming change in my life, I’ve started getting out more and doing “just me” things.

I tried joining a local women’s group specifically for women in the middle stage of life. I’ve been to a few group coffee dates and monthly meetings that give a recap of the past month’s events, share what’s coming up, a brief talk from a guest speaker, and maybe a fun activity to get everyone involved. It was okay for a while but over time, I’ve felt more “eh” about the whole thing. So, that’s gone by the wayside. Which is fine…at least I tried it.

I joined so that I could get to know women outside of my normal bubble who are perhaps in the same stage of life because of one major motivation…

I’m craving female companionship.

I know I have to get out there to make the connections I’m seeking because they don’t just happen. I can’t sit at home and just wish for friends.

I miss having close female friendships so much.

I’ve shared my struggles with this on the podcast (both a while back and lately - you can check out this episode as well as this one to catch up) and while it has been a painful part of my life, it will never get better unless I make more effort.

I used to be the one who always reached out to make plans, either for a cup of coffee, lunch, or a long walk. For a long time, I didn’t think much about it. But then I started to feel that maybe me being the one who always initiated connection was a sign that they weren’t as interested in keeping the friendship going as I was.

But my friend, Nina, gave me some insight that I’d never thought of before.

She said that perhaps making plans is a gift of mine, but not my friends. I never thought of that before. And while that’s a very healthy way to look at it, it starts to feel exhausting and honestly, hurtful.

I mean, are ALL my friends not gifted in this way?

I know I’m not completely innocent here. I’ve gotten a text here and there saying “We should get together” with my canned response of “Sounds great” without a time or date suggestion by either of us so I’m culpable as well.

It does make me question if I’m not “reading the room” or if I’m truly the only one with initiative. Either way, it’s not how I want my friendships to be. It feels emotionally exhausting and unbalanced to say the least.

How I see it is that if our friendship was important to them at all, I would hear from them. I would take a voice memo checking in as a sign that they are still invested in our connection and keep making the effort on my end. But when there is no effort at all, I can’t help but feel as if it’s a nonverbal cue that I need to look elsewhere.

Sooo, with all of that said, I’m making an effort to get out there to meet more women who are also plan-makers, go-getters, and adventurous souls. While the local women’s group wasn’t exactly the right fit, I’m determined to find my people.

A big area of concern for me these days is a person’s relationship to alcohol. If they consider alcohol to be a normal part of any activity, then they aren’t my people. I need people that can take it or leave it. Mostly leave it.

I’m at that point in my life where there has be more substance and depth to our getting together and watching them drink a bottle of wine is definitely not going to be it.

Which I guess means I need to explore my local sober community to find women who care about connection and not cocktails. But then the flip side is that I also don’t want living a sober (ish) lifestyle to be their entire identity. I want to be what they do, not entirely who they are. Does that make sense? It’s just a way they live.

The sad part about all of this is that this seems like a tall order. It feels daunting and like a monumental ask of the universe. But here I am, still hoping and pursuing anyway.

However, the thing that I cling to is that I can control how I show up for others. And if I can show up for others how I would love others to show up for me, then I can look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day/week/month/year and, eventually, life and be happy that I made someone else happy.

As much as I want to not feel this way, deep down I will always want my actions to be reciprocated but I think that’s just human nature. So maybe this will be the next area I tackle in renovating me. I know that the work on “me” will never be done but I think the purpose of any life is just do the work.

If I want friends who show up for me, who reach out to make plans, who reach out to ask how I’m doing, who do the work to keep the connection going and growing, I must do the same.

I hope I’ll be able to share how all of this is going but until then, please know you aren’t alone if you are feeling the same way.

Whether this is just this middle part of life, post-COVID backlash, or the result of me jaunting down the personal growth highway, it’s one of the main focuses of my life right now.

I may end up spending a lot of energy on wrong-for-me people until I find the right-for-me people but I know I never want a friendship to end because I

So let the Friendship Project commence!