Ever Wonder if You're Doing Life Wrong? Yeah, Me, too.

Photo by Jametlene Reskp on Unsplash

Have you hit the middle yet? If so, has it looked a little “Dark Night of the Soul” meets Eat, Pray, Love?

If not, it’s coming.

It happens because we are in this time in our lives because, hopefully, we ARE at the halfway point which nature decides it’s a good time to do a little life inventory.

This is when we question everything we’ve done up until this point, every decision we’ve made, every action or inaction, every dream we let die, every idea we let fizzle, every relationship we’ve had, the friendships we let fade away, or held onto, every yes that should have been a no, and every no that should have been a yes. All of that.

This is when we take mental stock of where we are and if you are like I was, you don’t like what you see.

Maybe you thought you’d be doing more of “x” and less “y”, traveling more (or less), spending more time with friends, actually having more friends, or finally losing those 10 stubborn pounds. Same, girl. Same.

And it’s not a bad thing, this “taking stock" moment, but it can be an uncomfortable trip when we look at the finally tally of all the shoulda, coulda, and wouldas.

There were times when I allowed myself to daydream about living a totally different life based on those other decisions. For example, I would picture myself in a completely different place, with completely different people in my life (except for my kids…that I will never allow myself to imagine), doing completely different things.

And I wondered :

Does that mean I’m doing this life wrong?

Should I be doing those things?

Am I living a parallel life and I’m just getting glimpses of it here and there, like one of those books we had in middle school that allowed us to choose different storylines to get a totally different ending?

And since I’m being real here, I still do. Everyday.

I saw a TikTok a while back which I shared in my IG stories that was about a woman who wanted to quit her “normal” job and find a way to live differently. She wanted to travel, not be connected to a physical place in order for her to work, to have adventures and live a bigger life. To be OUT in the world.

It resonated with me so much. I want to be OUT in the world doing things, being things, seeing things, and being a part of it all. Because time feels finite in midlife.

But this is where I struggle because I feel stuck in an expectation, if that makes any sense. It’s expected of me to be be a supportive spouse, live modestly (quietly even?), live my days much like the ones up to this point, etc.

Has anyone told me this? No. But do I still feel the underlying expectation of this is just what we do? Yes.

But I recently recorded a podcast to encourage all of us to basically say, “Fuck that.”

In midlife especially, every single decision we carries so much more weight than when we were younger. We no longer have time to fuck around and find out.

We’ve already fucked around enough! And this is what we have found out.

It’s time to get down to business in this life. And I don’t mean suit and tie and boardroom kind of business. I mean living this life with gusto, awe, a sense of freedom, joy, connection, a monstrous sense of purpose, and with rip-roaring laughter that we feel it in our facial and ab muscles for days to come.

Why shouldn’t this be our norm? Why does this kind of life feel rebellious?

If you asked yourself, What would my life look like if I wasn’t:

• married/in a committed relationship

• a mother

• a caretaker

• a loyal employee

• sick/unwell

Would you be living where you live?

How would you be spending your days?

Where would you be vacationing and how often?

What would you be doing in your free time?

What job would you have?

How would you dress?

Would your physical appearance look differently?

Believe me, I’ve asked myself all of these questions as well and my answers all look different than my current life. Gulp.

I’m ready to bridge the game between the life I really want with the one I currently have. Which I think is one of the perks of midlife is that do end up having a bit more freedom to make changes because our responsibilities to others starts to lighten.

Which pisses me off actually. Because why have we waited until now to live the life we’ve been secretly dreaming of?

Not everyone pushes the dream away, however. We see it all the time on social media…people pushing away the conventional life and embracing a life of travel, remote work, or living off the land and shunning all of societies norms.

But that’s for other people, not us. We could never do that.

Who told us that and why did we listen?

It may have been a parent, older sibling, professor, or some other respected elder that actually verbalized how you should live your adult life.

But I know what it ends up being for most of us.

Fear.

Fear of the unknown, fear of what others will think, fear we will be shunned by loved ones, or the biggest fear of all, fear of being alone.

I’ve lived in fear for most of my life.

But another perk to midlife is that fear loosens its grip, just enough to let in the what ifs.

• What if we sold the house and moved to parts unknown?

• What if we turned our hobby into a vocation?

• What if we started the business we’ve always dreamed of?

My fellow midlifers, it’s not too late for us. We are resilient AF (I mean, we’re GD GenXers.) We’ve got a vast collection of knowledge and life experiences. We have less fucks to give. And each day that passes that we don’t pursue a life we love, is another day to add to the tally we feel unfulfilled.

So if you feel like you need permission to pursue the life you truly want, go look in the mirror. No one can tell you what you can have, when you can have it, where you can get it, and how except for you.

Your life is yours. Do you hear me? YOURS.

And mine is mine.

See you out there, my friend.

*****

(Full disclosure: this is a pep talk I’ve given to myself a lot during these middle years but I’m disguising it as if it’s for you. But I thought maybe you needed it, too, so feel free to use mine as often as you need. )